Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Can Conflict Be a Good Thing?

If you know my husband and I personally, you may know that we tend to be a little.....er..... volatile, even explosive at times. I think that is one reason we make such a good couple.  WHAT? You might think I am crazy, but hear me out.

When I say volatile or explosive I do not in ANY way mean abusive or violent! When we fight we never name call, ever! We never hit each other, ever!! (There was this one time when I hit him with my purse, but he really did deserve it then! haha)

What I mean by volatile and explosive is that when we get angry we do not stuff it down inside. We tell each other what we think. We talk and some times most of the time yell it over! It has taken us awhile to get to this point in our relationship. But, I believe that we communicate better now and that there is a benefit to this type of relationship.

My husband and I had a, shall we say, little fight over the weekend. I saw the situation one way and he saw it differently. I thought I hadn't done anything wrong (which I hadn't...at first) and he thought he hadn't done anything wrong (which in reality the only thing he did wrong was hurt my feelings).

I was so upset that I became disrespectful. He tried to calmly talk to me about it in the beginning. He sat down next to me and tried to hear my heart about the situation. I was so hurt, I couldn't see at the time what he was doing. Looking back, it would be at this point that I open up and share all that I was feeling with him. But I did not. I remained angry and soon became bitter. This bitterness drove me to act disrespectfully towards him.

All day I thought about how I had been hurt! How he doesn't deserve the amazing wife that I am (prideful much! ouch!!) I thought 'no way will I serve him dinner tonight!!' Come dinner time, I did serve him. I threw the plate in front of him and didn't say a thing. He didn't touch it. Later after the kids were in bed and I noticed that he hadn't eaten dinner. I asked him why.

"Because I can take care of myself!"

"I know you can, but you usually eat what I make."

"You usually don't serve it like you did."

At this point I realized that he wasn't reacting to the initial situation. Our anger towards each other was now about my disrespect towards him. Realizing we would never resolve the initial issue with my disrespectful attitude hanging over us I acted quick. I threw my hands in the air and shouted "STOP! Lets start over! I am sorry I have been disrespectful! I am hurt and feel like you didn't consider my feelings."

At this point he gave me a hug and told me he loved me.  And now we were free to talk about the initial issue, and get it resolved!

When fighting with your husband here is my advice:

Try to see it from his point of few. This is so had to do when you feel like you have been wronged. But, had I done this, we wouldn't have wasted the entire day fighting!

Don't make the situation worse by adding your disrespect on top. No matter how wronged we feel we were, if we retaliate with disrespect, then it becomes about our behavior and not theirs.

Communicate! Communicate how ever best you communicate as a couple. Talk, yell. write a note- do something! Nothing gets resolved if no one is talking. Giving the silent treatment doesn't resolve anything! Sure, you may have to make the first move and give a little. But, I would rather be the first to say sorry, then 'win' the silent treatment game! Who wins in that situation? No one!

Believe the best in him. My feelings got hurt, but I don't think he set out to try to hurt me. If I had remembered that, we may not have spent the day arguing!

Good luck, and happy arguing! haha

 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, 
and the wife must respect her husband.
Ephesians 5:33

Monday, November 4, 2013

Giving Thanks Day 3

Are you participating in the daily thanksgiving posts on facebook? I am this year. And last nights post took my breath away and made me laugh just a little. Here's why.

I am tired. I am a happy, blessed mama, but I am tired. Yesterday morning I woke up tired. I was grumpy. It was one of those days that I just wanted to stay in bed. But, as a mom of 4 small kids, that is not a possibility. We were up early with the time change, which I am sure didn't help my grumpy, tired state.

I tried to pray my grumpiness away. I tried to talk myself out of it. I tried to sneak away, back to my bed after my husband came down stairs. They wont notice if I am gone for a few minutes, right? Wrong. No sooner did I crawl under the covers was there two precious little girls climbing on me.

I found my self saying, "Can you people just leave me alone for 5 minutes?"
*Not my proudest mommy moment, but it's true.*
My oldest said, "No way mama, we want to be with you."

I said, "Mommy is tired and I need a nap."
My oldest responded with, "No mama, you just need some coffee."
The kid is a smart one.

Fast forward several hours. My grumpiness has lifted. It was Sunday and we got to go to church and worship. If that doesn't cure a case of the grumps then I do not know what will.

I was preparing dinner and listing to the Christian warship station on the radio. I had 2 step stools and 3 little bodies in the kitchen with me. And I was loving it. It's not the easiest thing to do, cook dinner with little ones, but it can be fun! I had one girl adding butter to the rice, another putting the chicken on the plates and I am telling my son, "don't eat the food yet." (over and over!)

My oldest and I were singing along to the songs on the radio. I didn't even realize that she knew the words! They really do absorb everything at a young age.

My kitchen was a mess. It took longer to cook and clean up then it did to sit down and eat dinner with daddy, but my heart was full.

That night I posted this as my thankful post on facebook:
"Day 3: thankful for healthy home cooked meals together. Cooking dinner today I had two step stools and 3 little bodies in my kitchen. It was not easy to work around them all, and I had to tell my son more then once not to eat all the food I had already plated! But, it was so fun. My oldest sang words to the christian music we had playing. I didn't even know she knew the words. Cooking dinner and praising Jesus as a family. Just wonderful. I love that they want to be where I am!!"

I love that they want to be where I am!! 

I ended up being thankful for the very thing that was making me grumpy that same morning. I love that we serve a God who can do big things and small things. He can change the world and he can change my heart. Awesome! 

I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.
3 John 1:4